Category: loss

     This week has been one of pain, and sorrow for many.  With the news of last weeks tragedy in Connecticut, the loss of my aunt’s dear sweet AndyCat, and the reminder of too much senseless gun violence in the Presidents press briefing on December 19, 2012, it may be hard to feel cheery right before the holidays.  One of the worst experiences for a parent is to no longer be able to hold and kiss their babies goodnight.   It is easy to share sympathy for those whose personal tragedies are well publicized.  There are however untold numbers of families whose sorrow is kept closer to the heart.  For some, the joy of achieving a pregnancy is weighted with the heartache at the realization that they are in the middle of having an miscarriage. In other cases, parents have already been designing the nursery, receiving gifts from friends and families only to experience a loss later in the pregnancy.  The pain of having to share with friends and family that the baby bundle of joy they had been expecting had unexpectedly died.  This black hole left in a family can take months or years to process, with family members expressing their pain and sorrow in different ways and often needing different types of support.  Some women may experience their pain as physical aches as their uterus contracts in the impending delivery of a child so loved and hoped for, who would not have a first birthday cake, prom, graduation and other monumental life events parents see for their children.  After the delivery there may be breast pain as the mammary glands which had been preparing to nourish the new baby begin to regress and milk dries up.  Partners have their own emotions to process, the feelings of loss, sadness as well as seeing their partner suffer and not necessarily knowing how to provide comfort when they are also in need.

1. Give yourself and your family time to mourn the death.  Each family member will need time to pass through the stages of grief at their own pace.  It is often not necessary or recommended to jump immediately back on the trying to conceive band wagon.  The spirit, and body need at least 4 weeks to recover if not longer.

2.  Honor the loss.  Depending upon your spiritual tradition and community, clergy, rabbi, priestess or imam can help facilitate a memorial service to remember and honor the death in your family.  If you are not a part of a religious community it may still feel right to mark the passing.  Options include planting a special tree or other living plant to remember that though their body is not here with us, the spirit still lives.  In Japan, families create Jizo dolls to honor those who died as a result of miscarriage, still birth or a termination of pregnancy.  Touching images of Jizo can be found at Sushibird.

3.  Set aside time to be with your partner.  This is time when both partners have emotions they need to share with each other.  Go to a special place where you can be alone together undisturbed to cry, laugh, yell, be quiet and just be with each other processing and sharing.  During this time try not to feel anger towards each other or self, no one did anything wrong and no one is to blame.

5.  Recognize the growth and deepening connection with self and your family that has arisen as a result of your experiences.  It is during these times of great challenge that we learn the extent of our strength and potential.

May the light shine brightly even on the darkest night.